PRAYER FOR SERENITY
Attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr, Lutheran theologian (1892–1971)
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
When I was a child, I often felt sad. I would lie in bed, lights off, hugging my stuffed platypus, feeling shame over my misery. I blamed myself for being unhappy and felt guilty for not being able to pull myself out of it. I wondered if I was broken in some fundamental way that disallowed me from feeling joy. I’m glad to say that feeling didn’t last.
Depression has certain common thought characteristics, no matter how old you are or where you come from. Attribution styles are ways of thinking about or interpreting causal events in life. How we think about events often influences how we react to or feel about them, so taking a moment to truly understand our own attributional styles is an important first step in thinking (and feeling) our way out of potential depression.
To determine your attributional style, you’ll want to explore whether you tend to…
make stable/unstable causal attributions
engage in global/specific thinking
have internal/external attribution patterns
We all engage in all of these thinking patterns some of the time, but we also have tendencies toward one or the other that we’ve learned, either from our families or peers or the culture at large. These thinking patterns are a strong indicator of underlying values, beliefs and biases. Self-awareness about how we think can help us improve our mental immune system against depression.
Stable or unstable attributions
Someone with a stable attributional style says: “There is no hope.” Someone with an unstable attributional style says: “This sucks but tomorrow is a new day.” A stable attribution style is linked to depression because it tends to see things as permanent even when they are not. The antidote to a stable attributional style is to choose realistic hopefulness instead: “If I do x, y or z differently, I might have reason to hope.”
A stable attribution style is whether you think events will have an enduring or permanent impact, or whether you move on fairly quickly from setbacks (i.e. unstable attribution style). For example, let’s say you get hit by a car and are seriously injured. A person with a stable attributional style might interpret this event from the perspective that their life is ruined and no improvement is possible.
In contrast, someone with an unstable attributional style might hold the perspective that while their life may have presently changed for the worse, hope exists for recovery or, at least, improvement.
People with depression often tend to have a stable attributional style, even when they are thinking about relatively minor events. They might burn dinner, for example, and interpret that as evidence that they will never learn to cook properly.
Of course, a stable attributional style is sometimes appropriate. If you are a child whose parents are divorcing, seeing their separation as a mere blip on the road of their getting back together again is likely to make the adjustment harder not easier.
But generally speaking, an unstable attributional style is a more helpful position to hold — especially if a situation is ambiguous or the outcome is unclear.
Global or specific thinking
Global thinking often goes hand in hand with stable attributions. It is big picture thinking that is high on interpretation but low on reality-testing. For example, a statement like: “I’m never going to find someone who will love me” is a global statement where a single failure is interpreted as proof of a larger, deeper, generalizable truth.
Another way of understanding global thinking is as a tendency to jump to conclusions without doing the work of seeking evidence for or against a particular conclusion. In many ways, our current media culture encourages this kind of thinking — the more people jump to conclusions on social media platforms, for example, the more engagement is generated, and the more clicks, the more revenue.
Being vigilant about stopping yourself from engaging in this kind of thinking can help prevent the kind of negative thinking patterns often associated with depression.
That’s why I recommend setting time aside to actively unplug from social media. Your mental health needs it.
Internal versus external attributions
An internal attribution style refers to whether you tend to personalize events. Let’s say you apply for a job and you manage to get an interview. You feel like you ace the interview and then you hear back that you didn’t get the job. You will likely feel devastated. And, if you have a tendency toward depression, you might also start telling yourself that it’s your fault that you didn’t get the job, even though the interviewer gave you no such indication.
Often when clarity is missing, our minds fill in the gaps. If you have a tendency toward personalizing events (i.e. blaming yourself), you’ll likely fill in the gaps with beliefs that reinforce your negative view of yourself. Yet, the reason you didn’t get the job is just as likely to be because the company already had someone in mind before they posted the position.
If you’re faced with an ambiguous situation, a piece of advice is to choose the most generous interpretation. You’ll end up feeling better about yourself, and you’ll be able to move on without needing to beat yourself up.
Truth is, it’s not all about you; it rarely is. Which is a good thing.
Attribution styles and relationships
Depression is characterized by stable, internal attributions, and global thinking. This kind of thinking can often lead people to feel helpless to influence their life direction or the quality of their relationships. Psychologist Martin Seligman called this learned helplessness. You likely have more power than you think.
Humans are social animals and we all are part of systems and communities. With any system, if you change one part of it, the entire system changes. Introduce a new species of plant to your garden, for example, and you might find your entire garden taken over if you’re not careful.
Rather than waiting for others to change, I encourage you to consider what behaviours you can change and the ripple effects it might have on the communities you belong to.
Are you shy? Consider stepping out of your comfort zone and socializing more.
Are you talkative? Consider talking less and listening more.
Whatever your tendency is, doing something different will not only impact you but others around you. Depression might tell you that the risk is not worth it. Don’t listen.
Managing expectations
Depression is often the result of mismanaged expectations: wanting one thing and ending up with another, expecting to succeed and then coming up short. The answer is not to give up on expectations entirely; everybody needs hope to get up in the morning. But learning to discern realistic hope from the unrealistic kind is a skill that comes with practice and life experience.
Wishing that bad things won’t happen is setting yourself up to be disappointed. Life is impermanent — both the good times and the not-so good times won’t last. So why not choose to recognize when times are good, and learn to let go of the bad times when they roll around, which they inevitably will.
After all isn’t that the goal in life? To maximize the good and minimize the bad — and the wisdom to know the difference?
Stefan is Tilted Windmills’ clinical counsellor and a self-described wounded healer. If you’re seeking support with depression or other mental health challenges, consider booking a free 30-minute consultation.